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Liam Sturgess's avatar

I find this refreshing and insightful, Jessica. I also really appreciate you breaking a trend and choosing not to go after anybody directly, instead offering a framework through which to think about these important questions as we all try to navigate. Will meditate on your words!

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Margaret Anna Alice's avatar

Jessica, I cannot tell you how deeply this spoke to me after my own recent experience of discovering someone I thought was a friend has been conducting a whisper campaign against me for months, first accusing me of being a “spy” and then escalating to a “[malevolent entity]” (changed the latter to obscure her identity as she wrote a passive-aggressive post under the original term).

Fortunately, two of the people she attempted to poison against me (Mickey Z. and Alicen Grey) agreed to go public with evidence of her malicious behavior in the following post:

• “How to Be an Upstander” (https://margaretannaalice.substack.com/p/how-to-be-an-upstander)

Our intention was not to vilify this person, hence our decision to avoid naming her, but rather to highlight a real-life example of what it means to be an upstander in a situation where someone is attempting to harm another person. Mickey and Alicen demonstrated courageous integrity in not only standing up for me but also in calling out my saboteur’s behavior with both radical honesty and surprising compassion.

This journey led me to learn more about Cluster B personality types and narcissists, and it became clear this person has histrionic personality disorder in addition to paranoid delusions. This has led to philosophical contemplations about a person’s culpability for their actions when mental illness is involved, with it becoming increasingly clear that narcissists suffer from a character disorder rather than mental illness and thus are responsible for their actions.

Several people recommended the book “In Sheep’s Clothing,” and I have found that incredibly illuminating, particularly in regards to the covert aggressors the author describes as it captures her behavior precisely.

Now that I have a better sense of the red flags to watch out for, I feel I am better-equipped to identify potential narcissistic abusers in the future, and yet I refuse to close my heart when encountering new people. The deep friendships I have formed with authentic kindreds far outweigh this one negative experience and are worth the blip of suffering I endured in the face of her betrayal and attempted sabotage.

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