The inverted power structure within the service industry

A commentary on how fascinating it is - are we in our own Universe 25?

The other day on my walk I passed by a pizza place where I noticed a couple ordering a pizza in an outdoor sitting area. There was a waitress talking to them about what they wanted to eat. They were sitting, and she was standing. Normal right? It got me thinking about the power structure of the waitress/customer dynamic.

Image from: https://www.restaurantowner.com/public/Dining-Dynamics-THE-Equation-for-EXCEPTIONAL-Restaurant-Customer-Service-.cfm

I worked for 15 years in the service industry as a waitress and manager at one point and I must say, I learned more about diplomacy being a waitress than from any other thing I have done in my life. I learned about people, from people, tact, maturity, wine and food. I loved being a waitress. It felt awesome to be in role where I could make people happy with excellent food and service. I always provided excellent service because to me, those people sitting in front of me were out not only for good food, but for a good time.

I love eating out, and did so often prior to the COVID con when I was cast out of society for 2 years (I never truly got over that). I don’t eat out much anymore and entirely resent the engineered destruction of the service industry and small businesses for the sake of fiat transfer that was the COVID era. In any case, when I do decide to eat out, I expect the same treatment from my server as I always gave, because I see it as a unique and beautiful interaction and experience with another human being. I tip between 20 and 30%, by the way and always happy to do so.

There was one couple that I will always remember while working at the Italian place where I pretty much inhabited for years in St. John’s, Newfoundland. It was called Bruno’s after the owner Bruno Orticello. I worked 14-16 hour days while finishing up my masters degree in immunology, while simultaneously working in my partner’s wood-working shop whenever he needed me. I loved every minute of it.

I took this photo and it conveys the vibe I tried to create at my restaurant.

It was a stormy, snowy night - you know the kind of night - when you want a snuggly and warm place to sit and relax, hear Andrea Bocelli sing Time to Say Goodbye (tears in my eyes), watch Christmas lights and fire, and savor the smell of the Mediterranean.

Why do things have to change?

This was my old spot: Bruno’s. COVID killed whatever it was that had since replaced it. Google maps.

That couple were my only customers that night. I made the restaurant cozy and welcoming no matter if nobody showed up. It was a very small and quaint place with only a few tables as you can imagine from the photo above. Warm lights, a dark ambience, gorgeous wines imported from Italy, incredible food from Bruno’s mom’s recipes, and a cozy setting - romantic by anyone’s standards. Not to mention the best and most authentic Italian food around for miles. I made the bread and tiramisu.

I learned almost everything I know about food and wine from Bruno during that time. His wife was named Gail, and she was a pure Newfoundlander and boy did they make a firey couple. Some people would come just to hear them fight. To me, it was … charming. I guess it reminded people of something in themselves and although for some, it might have been awkward to hear two people screaming in a kitchen without a door, I think it was endearing.

The couple were on their first date, by my take. He wanted to impress this lady he had taken out on that snowy night, and she was in that kind of mood where she needed something in particular, and special. Maybe it was the cold and the snow, or maybe she was going through a rough time, but she did seem to be ‘off’. She didn’t know what she wanted to drink, but I was bound and determined to help her figure it out. They only ordered drinks that night.

As the night progressed, she ordered quite a few fancy cocktails. I was also a bit of a master cocktail maker having worked at a martini bar, so I saw it as an opportunity to experiment and have fun with the chemistry of making the perfect, fabulous cocktail for her. Mostly, I wanted her to get what she needed and to see that relaxed look on her face that comes with feeling better.

By the third try, I made a cocktail that she adored. It made me feel … accomplished. She was happy, so I had succeeded. I had been able to fulfill my task as a waitress: to make my patron happy. She was so grateful, and although she never admitted to being finicky or what some might call “difficult”, her pleasure was clear in the fact that their date ended up going really well; at least within the walls of the restaurant it did! And I helped with that - only because I could. That made me feel good - another side perk of being a waitress. And who knows, maybe she got pregnant that night! You never can know.

I was grateful for the company that night. When they left, I waved goodbye as they headed out into the night snowfall and then went to clean their table. It was one of the two window seats: the best seats in the house. When I picked up the billfold from the table, I noticed he had left 100 bucks on their 40 dollar bill. I hadn’t charged for the drinks that she didn’t like because, why would I? She didn’t drink them. I always took on those losses myself because it was my job to do so, in my opinion. I immediately assumed he had made a mistake, so I ran out the door into the snow to try to give him his money back. He called out from the distance on the sidewalk with his lady under his arm and said: “That’s for you.”

I was in shock. He had given me a 60 dollar tip on a 40 dollar bill. I never forgot that - not just because of his generosity but because it was ‘how things are meant to be’, in my mind. What I mean by that is the extent to which he showed gratitude in the restaurant setting, reflected his acknowledgement of my acknowledgement of him and his lady. It’s not about money, but it also is about money, if you catch my meaning.

Gratitude should always be expressed.

Also, servers don’t always make great money and there are indeed a lot of people who don’t show gratitude to servers in the form of a good tip. When I was a waitress, pretty much all my money was from tips, and I don’t think much has changed on that front.

The reason I am recounting this story now is because back then, it was clear to me that in my job, I was in control of the experience that my patrons had. I had all the power to make their night lovely and memorable, or shitty and make-them-never-return-ish. Maybe it’s because I was self-confident. The perception in the ‘world’ of waitresses and waiters, if I was to fathom a guess, would be that we are inferior - or rather, that it is an inferior job to what some might consider “a real job”, like a doctor or a realtor (think Friends episode). I mean, how many times have you heard some say “s/he’s just a waitress” or demean a waiter simply because he is serving you food and/or clearing your table?

I have heard it endlessly. But it never bothered me because I knew things from being inside the service industry that they didn’t know: the people in the service industry know things. They hear everything - from the subtle dynamics in a family having trouble, to the social politics within a power meeting of circle jerks. They see everything - from the way that people eat, to how they dress seasonally. Cab drivers are a fantastic example of this. Oh the books that could be written by the cab drivers of major cities!

So when I saw this pizza place couple the other day, and the waitress standing above them, it struck me and got me thinking about the power dynamics involved and to question who really held the power. It seemed so apparent from the body language, positioning and posturing (she was standing over them) that she held the power. The patron couple were subordinate to her in every way. But, having made this so-called apparent observation, without the patron couple, the waitress wouldn’t have a table or perhaps even a job.

So, who actually holds the power?

I think it’s about synergy and individual encounters. Like all systems that function in nature, mutualism is key. You give some, you get some. Everyone’s happy. Everyone has what they need. Balance. Power dynamics is inherent in any system with a hierarchical structure and certainly, the restaurant environment, is no exception. There is usually an owner, a manager and staff. Then there are patrons or customers. The customers need the restaurant staff, and the restaurant staff need the customers. Synergy can be obtained.

But who truly holds the power? Who’s at the top of the hierarchy? I personally believe that ideally, it is a shared position by the individuals actually having an interaction at any given moment. When the exchange is balanced - when there is mutual respect, this is especially true. In some cases, this balance might not be present. For example, if a pretentious and arrogant rich person from the aforementioned circle jerk, who never worked a day in life came into my restaurant, and looked down on me simply because I was a waitress, the power dynamic would come into question, at least from a perspective point of view.

Is he in power, or am I?

In truth, most people might think this comes down to perception, but I do not think this. I think power, true power, lies in serenity. A person who is not at peace with who they are, or what they have [not] accomplished, is not serene and therefore, cannot truly hold power. It has nothing to do with title or money, and everything to do with grit and experience. Most wouldn’t agree with me, I suppose, and would simply say that without the money flow, there’d be no service industry in the first place, and therefore the power has everything to do with money. But I would argue that that flow emerges from the synergy - the requirement of the mutual need for each other which indeed, commands respect.

Money comes and money goes but respect cannot be bought. And neither can serenity.

So I think the power structure and dynamic in the service industry is in the hands of the participants, regardless of the fact that most people believe that the patrons hold all the power because they are paying.

Thoughts on a Sunday night.

I also was reminded of the Universe 25 experiment. Even in a perfect climate within a sustainable population, without synergy in society and meaningful roles, collapse is imminent.