Discussion about this post

User's avatar
Factscinator's avatar

MISSING DNA LABS ☣️

🚨 NOW HIRING! 🚨

Position: Senior DNA Inventor

Have you always wanted a career monetizing pseudoscience? 😱🧬

Do you possess the confidence to identify invisible genetic information without ever having to produce it in a directly observable form? 👨‍🔬📜

Can you transform chemical abuse of biological material, mysterious X-shaped patterns, and computational hoop tricks into "the sacred blueprint of life"? 🌍🚨

If so, your future begins here! 🎉

At Missing DNA Labs, our DNA Inventors proudly continue a tradition of finding certainty where lesser minds might demand evidence. 🏆

Ideal candidates must have a proven track record of:

🐄 Ensuring biological material undergoes enough toxic abuse that nobody can accuse you of examining it in its natural state.

🧪 Dissolving, processing, and otherwise chemically encouraging biological material to reveal the answer you were hoping for.

🧵 Stretching precipitates into carefully aligned fibers because apparently nature forgot how to arrange "DNA" correctly.

☢️ Irradiating the highly processed and prepared fibers with X-rays for approximately 62 hours in pursuit of life's deepest secrets.

📸 Confidently assuring everyone the X shaped pattern in Photo 51 is basically the same thing as observing "DNA" in vivo.

💻 Converting highly processed laboratory outputs into complete genetic narratives using advanced computational imagination and several metric tons of assumptions.

🔄 Applying circular reasoning with professional precision by using assumptions to validate conclusions generated from assumptions.

🏅 Preferred Skills:

✅ Ability to explain why extracting, dissolving, purifying, stretching, hydrating, irradiating, photographing, interpreting, modelling, and illustrating something is basically the same thing as directly observing it.

✅ Remaining composed when someone points out that the famous picture wasn't actually a picture and the famous helix wasn't actually seen in the picture.

✅ Advanced proficiency in the scientific art of citing studies that cite studies that cite studies until a hypothesis acquires the appearance of eternal truth.

✅ Capacity to look genuinely puzzled when asked where interpretation ends and observation begins.

🌟 Employee Benefits Include:

💰 Unlimited funding for pseudoscience.

📺 Frequent television appearances as an expert on genetic molecules and mechanisms nobody can demonstrate.

🏆 Opportunities to fabricate exciting new "genetic" discoveries whenever public attention begins to wander.

📈 Generous performance bonuses for converting interpretations into certainty.

Remember:

🪬 At Missing DNA Labs, we don't let a lack of direct evidence get in the way of quarterly earnings and your bonuses. 📈💰💷💶💴💵💰

✨ We simply process the evidence until it learns how to cooperate. ✨

☣️😄🧬

Apply today! 🚀😄

Leslie H MSc's avatar

Amen: You made my day, dear being of Light, questioning the differentials in context for knowing, there’s a difference between power and (text-book compliant) smarts.

☀️🙏🏻💚

72 more comments...

No posts

Ready for more?